SG1's 13 rules for Horror Survival
by AncientVampiricGryphon
Summary: Rated just incase. Stuck in a room with a glitchy gate and hostile natives...let's teach Jonas and Teal'c how to survive a horror film!


Disclaimer: Sanity? Sanity can take a flying fbleep at a rolling doughnut. It ain't for me, but even I wouldn't be here if I owned it. I don't own Stephen King either, he owns himself.  
  
Spoilers: none that I can see.  
  
Season: any. I mean, hell, we can just abduct Jonas and shove him in the plot anytime right?  
  
Ok, so what do five adults do when they have spare time and not many ideas to amuse themselves with?  
  
Well, several things spring to mind; get drunk, argue, have a deep theological discussion about the meaning of life, go on a random killing spree, see who can download the most porn from the net in 5 minutes...err...no, lets not go there.  
  
They didn't have alcohol or internet access, they didn't feel like the arguing or deep theological crap, and if they can't be bothered with that, I'm pretty sure they were too lazy to go on a killing spree.  
  
The five adults in question are SG1. Unfortunately for them, they had gone on a mission and were at the moment holed up right next to the gate, with whatever people Jack p.o.'d (and I don't mean post office'd...) on the other side of the wall wanting to get in and smash their heads in. Normally, they'd have attempted to go home, like any sane persons,...BUT, the ruddy gate wasn't working, it was having a temporary glitch. Wonderful.  
  
Jack, Sam, Daniel, Teal'c and Jonas had all eventually run out of anything to have a conversation about and after a long pause of listening to an angry mob outside their claustrophobic safe place, Jack had finally made a statement: "This is worse than being in a horror movie!"  
  
A rather bored and caffeine deprived Daniel suddenly came up with the sparky idea of the Earth native members of the team teaching the Jaffa and the Clown...uh, Kelownan...how to survive a horror film.  
  
...not that they'd ever have the need to do so, BUT they did work for the SGC after all and ANYTHING was possible.  
  
"Rule one..." Daniel began, settling himself on the floor after having paced around a bit "...do not...under ANY circumstances, thinkable, unthinkable or downright unimaginable...go into any woods in the middle of the night."  
  
Jonas blinked, this all seemed very confused and strange. "Why would you WANT to go out into the woods in the middle of the night?" he asked.  
  
Daniel instantly rolled out a list of reasons: "dog ran away, owl watching, insomnia, stalking, burying that last dead body that wont fit in the basement..."  
  
Teal'c raised an eyebrow at the last one but Daniel seemed not to even notice he'd said it.  
  
"uhh..." Jonas twitched and the corners of his smile did too. "..should I ask why not go into the woods then?"  
  
"oh come on!" Jack said throwing his arms in the air briefly. "everyone knows the answer to that...hell, at the very least you'll be sexually molested by a tree!"  
  
Jonas looked lost, Sam giggled helplessly, Daniel nodded solemnly in agreement and Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow. "Rule two!" Daniel suddenly announced.  
  
"Rule two." Jack nodded.  
  
"issssss..." Daniel thought a moment. "...When you've just fought off an attack from a psychopathic killer...DO try not to drop the weapon afterwards."  
  
"Ah, the man knows his stuff!" Jack nodded. "there's always a need for that weapon later."  
  
Daniel gave the thumbs up and nodded.  
  
"I wanna issue rule three!" Sam laughed and shot a hand into the air.  
  
Jonas ducked his head as Sam had swung her arm round and he REALLY didn't want a finger skewering his right eye, he was kinda attached to it.  
  
Jack agreed to Sam's little outburst and Daniel folded his arms on his knees and paid attention.  
  
"Rule three..." Sam grinned. "...Plaid shirts are the loonies dress uniform, don't go within a three mile radius of a branch of Millets."  
  
"Millets?" Jonas blinked to Jack and Daniel.  
  
Daniel shrugged and Jack hiccupped.  
  
"Rule four..." Jack looked round. "hey, who's issuing rule four?"  
  
Sam shrugged and shook her head, Daniel blinked. Jonas and Teal'c were meant to be 'learning' from this so they weren't going to have a go. Therefore, Jack took a turn:  
  
"NEVER ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER..." he began.  
  
Teal'c, as comes as standard, raised an eyebrow.  
  
"... take up ventrillo-lillo-lillo-quism as a hobby." Jack finally said.  
  
Jonas blinked.  
  
"You're dummy will prove no dummy." The CO added.  
  
Sam giggled again, Teal'c raised his other eyebrow so it got as much of a work out as its brother, and Jonas looked confused again.  
  
"Rule five..." came Daniels voice as he now lay on his back on the floor and stared at the ceiling, one arm raised with a finger pointing straight up, the other bent under his head. "...when running from a killer in your own home, for god's sake, DON'T run upstairs...use the perfectly serviceable front door that leads out onto the street."  
  
That actually made sense to Teal'c, not to Jonas though. He was, somewhere in the back of his head, trying to fathom WHY he was here listening to this.  
  
"Rule six." Sam suddenly clicked and got the others attention. "NEVER pick up hitchhikers." She nodded and smiled.  
  
"Why not?" Jonas blinked and refrained from infringing on Teal'c's trademark and raising an eyebrow.  
  
Jack, Sam and Daniel all blinked at him and said in unison: "Have you got a death wish?"  
  
Teal'c raised an eyebrow, shrugged, then produced a small mirror and started applying eyeliner.  
  
Jonas had shrunk back and blinked at them all when they all seemed to gang up on him like that, looking a bit like a startled kitten.  
  
Jack decided to take another turn: "Rule seven. If you investigate the sound of a noise and discover its was just the family cat, next doors cat, auntie Mables cat or even a stray cat... get the fbleep out of there immediately."  
  
Jonas just nodded to that one. Teal'c was still too busy with eyeliner, damn tricky stuff that. Daniel half sat up and looked around for who had bleeped out the expletive.  
  
"Rule eight." Daniel announced, laying on his back. "Stay AWAY from the proprietor of the local wax works museum."  
  
"...and actors." Jack added.  
  
"...and dentists." Sam trilled.  
  
That last one had to be a problem for Smiley, with those teeth he must be best buds with half the dental association.  
  
"Rule nine." Jack said, stretching. "Stay in a caravan. Demonic forces love log cabins but for some reason shun caravans."  
  
Sam and Daniel looked to the CO from where they sat/lay and smirked. Jack just scowled.  
  
"Rule ten." The archaeologist chipped in. "Do NOT have sexual intercourse... you will be filleted within fifteen minutes."  
  
Jonas blinked and his eyes widened a little, feeling a lil embarrassed by that being said. Teal'c just shrugged and put the eyeliner away.  
  
"Trust the guy that's always falling in love coughlustcough to come out with that." Jack grinned.  
  
Daniel found a random boot lying near him and lobbed it at Jack, JUST missing the CO's head by a centimetre. Jack pointed to him accusingly and scowled.  
  
"Oh come on, sir." Sam jumped in. "Everyone knows a LOT ... if not ALL horror films have the token gratuitous sex scene in them."  
  
Jack blinked to the astrophysicist.  
  
Daniel nodded and added "see? That's what I meant. ... I think all those kind of scenes are thrown in to draw the censors attention away from the gore."  
  
Jack just sighed and shook his head.  
  
"Rule eleven." Sam said after a small pause, about the length of time it takes for three tok'ra to get killed for no real reason. "Keep your clothes on."  
  
Teal'c paused midway through filing his nails and raised an eyebrow. Jonas just stared and blinked several times.  
  
"Yeah," Jack agreed with Sam. "Jelly attracts wasps, walking round in your underwear attracts killers."  
  
"well that made more sense..." Jonas mumbled sarcastically under his breath and received a suspicious semi-glare from Dr Jackson.  
  
"Rule twelve." Jack said, ignoring Jonas. "If you ever get suggested to spend the night in a haunted house. Tell the guy who said it where to shove it."  
  
Sam smiled lopsidedly. Teal'c resumed filing his nails.  
  
The gate suddenly sprang into life.  
  
"Finally!" Jonas squeaked and got up off the floor.  
  
Teal'c put the nail file away, Sam put her boots back on (having had to retrieve one that had been thrown at Jack), and Daniel got to his feet.  
  
"Hold it!" Jack said, raising his arms and halting the others. "we can't leave without a rule thirteen." He grinned.  
  
The others audibly groaned.  
  
"Come on..." Jack said in a warning tone. What he would do to them or make them do is anyone's guess, but it made them all stop.  
  
"Alright.." Jonas sighed and earned himself the others' stares as he continued. "Rule thirteen... stay away from Maine."  
  
And with that, Jonas had disappeared through the gate and back to Earth before the others.  
  
"Guess he's been reading Stephen King..." Daniel shrugged.  
  
Jack and Sam nodded in agreement and said no more about it.  
  
Well, that's the end of that.  
  
Read it. Review it. Tell me how crap it was. Might do better next time. Ciao. 


End file.
